Giving Up On Life Because My Life is Miserable
(Orlando, Florida, USA)
Is my life miserable?
Story of my life, I sometimes think that my life is so miserable that I want to end it. first, since I was 13 I have been struggling with my sexuality. I think I'm miserable right now because I am living a lie and that really depresses me. However, if come out I would still be miserable because my parents and society wouldn't like my lifestyle. Second, my social life is miserable, I have no friends. I can't seem to make friends with straight guys because I think they going to hate me and because I have nothing in common with them and I am also afraid that I might fall for one of them. I can't be friends with gay people because I don't want to be seen with someone who is gay, it doesn't really matter if they're gay - it's just that it's hard for me to be with the ones who act overly feminine. Third, my love life sucks. I haven't been in a real relationship for four years, I'm a good looking guy, it's jst hard for me to go out with a guy or a girl because of my situations that I previously stated. I have one night stands, but I hate it very much. I only did it once and it went very badly and swore not to do it again. I met this guy and we talk for a month and we finally decided that we should be together, but he stop talking to me for no reason over the past 2 weeks with no explanation. However, I think he stopped talking to me because of my low self esteem, or because I'm not very experienced with sex, I really don't know - I'm just guessing.
Last, I'm a junior in college and I feel like I don't know what I'm doing in college because I'm thinking that no one will hire me. English is my second language, I have an accent, I'm shy, I'm scared to speak, I'm very bad at public speaking, and I can't lead. All of the characteristics that I'm going to need to become a health service manager. I'm 22 years old and I have been depressed since i was 13 and everyday I think about ending my life because I feel unloved, I feel worthless, undependable, and socially retarded. I feel like I'm just a waste and that my mom would be the only one who would ever love me, not because I'm ugly. I'm not ugly, im 5'10" 170 pounds, muscular and beautiful, it's just that I have really low self esteem.
So do you guys think that my life is miserable?
Louis - it seems to me that your first problem is that you care so much about what other people think. Nobody can be truly happy as long as they are always worrying about what others think of you. The only real happiness comes from being yourself.
So many young people tragically end their lives because they can't accept their sexuality - out of fear -- fear of rejection, fear of ridicule, fear of being hurt.
You say if you come out, your parents and your society wouldn't like your lifestyle. Too bad for them. Are you only living your life to uphold your parents image of you? And who is your society? My society wouldn't be offended by your lifestyle. And I'm pretty sure there is a vibrant, thriving, gay community in Orlando Florida. The problem is, as you say, you are living a lie. You're living in isolation, and causing yourself to suffer because you wont accept yourself as you are. The best way to gain self esteem is to be around people like yourself, who can love and appreciate who you are - people you don't need to pretend with. Nothing will build your self confidence like a supportive community. Until you step out of the closet, you are simply punishing yourself - and nobody gains a thing from that -- not your parents or anyone else.
So my advice to you is -- take your 5'10" 170 lb muscular beautiful self out to a place where you can be noticed by other gay men (a safe place please), and just breath and relax. You don't have to be a movie star - don't need stellar social skills - just relax and I guarantee you will get plenty of attention. You can't develop social skills by staying isolated. It's all practice.
Don't live to make someone else comfortable - live for your own happiness and you lift the world up with you.