Comments for girl-girl kissing... 5 & 8 years old. What do i say?

Mar 19, 2011
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GIRL-GIRL KISSING....5 & 5 YEAR OLD ???
by: Anonymous

I HAVE TWO DAUGHTERS 4 AND 5 YEARS OLD. THEY HAVE A COUSIN THAT IS 5 YEARS OLD. TODAY WAS THE SECOND TIME A "GIRL-GIRL KISSING" THING HAPPEN. I TOTALLY FREAKED OUT. I AM SO SHOCK THAT IT HAPPEN A SECOND TIME AROUND. I AM WORRIED THAT IT WILL HAPPEN A THIRD. I REACTED VERY WRONG ACCORDING TO YOUR ADVISE FROM "GIRL-GIRL KISSING...5&8 YRS OLD". THEY ARE IN SEPARATE ROOM AND I CALLED THEIR COUSINS' MOTHER ( MY SISTER-IN-LAW).

I AM SO SURPRISE ABOUT THEIR BEHAVIOR BECAUSE I WILL THINK THAT SINCE MY DAUGHTERS ARE TOGETHER - I WILL CATCH THEM DOING SOMETHING LIKE THAT. I JUST DONT KNOW - HOW THIS IS BEING STARTED LIKE WHO TELLS WHO TO KISS. MY DAUGHTERS SAY THAT THEIR COUSIN IS THE ONE THAT TELLS HER TO KISS. I AM SO CONFUSED ABOUT THE WHOLE SITUATION AND I FEEL SINCE WE HAVE DONE SUCH A BIG ISSUE....IS IT TO LATE? TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT....SHOULD I WORRY?

AS YOU CAN TELL, I AM SO CONFUSED AND DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO NEXT? THIS IS AWFUL...CAN YOU PLEASE SHINE SOME LIGHT ON MY STORY! THANK YOU!

Ben's Response:

A severe emotional over-reaction by a parent is likely to cause the kids to feel embarrassed, ashamed and dirty, and lead to further inappropriate behaviors and confusion about sexuality. So first of all, please RE-LAX.
It is important to suspend all judgement and talk quietly with your kids. Ask questions, but don't interrogate them. They aren't criminals. Kids at the age of 4 or 5 have (or should not have) any clue about sex. My main concern would be if they have been exposed to openly sexual behavior, like seeing someone having sex, watching pornography, or been the victim of an adult or older child or teen. These are all things to find out, but please do not blame or shame the kids. Kids only copy what they have seen or heard about. They don't know why; It is how kids learn - by imitation.

Some sexual-type behavior - like kissing - is not abnormal and we don't need to impose our adult sexual mind-set onto our kids innocence.

Little boys and girls see adults kissing, so they try it with each other. They may see same-sex adults kissing - so they try it. It doesn't make them homosexual. Nobody ever became gay by observing other gay people. It doesn't work that way.

My only question would be if they have been treated sexually by any older child or adult.

The best thing we can teach our kids to protect them, is what is an appropriate boundary (like where is it ok for someone to touch you, and when). And how to say "NO" to someone who is touching you or invading your personal space. And what to do if that person doesn't stop when you say "NO."

Take Care,
Ben Schwarcz, MFT