Gay or worried?
I am worried I may be homosexual. I suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder and depression. So when I pondered why people called me fat or gay... with my self worth being horrible lately I looked up symptoms of homosexuality and one said "plays with other gender playmates." In elementary school I was put into depression by boys my own age so I played with girls because they were a lot nicer. But now I'm terrified of becoming (no offence to anyone) a homosexual which I feel somewhat terrified of that. I need a definite answer am I gay or just worried? I am in high school so I still have a few problems talking about stuff since I was so used to being in so much mental pain from not telling anyone (that's what therapy told me). So am I gay or worried?
Playing with other-gender playmates as a child does not mean you are gay. Most people who come to realize that they are gay, have had sexual attraction to the same sex since an early age. Most kids begin to feel sexual attraction long before puberty. It is extremely common for kids, and teens to have uncertain feelings of attraction to both sexes. That does not mean that a person is homosexual. Your sexual identity is something that develops over time and whatever you feel towards either sex is not an illness or a problem unless you make it into one.
Kids in school can be extremely cruel by name calling - whether it's "fat" or "gay" used as an insult - it is very hurtful and very unfortunate. You are not "gay" just because some bully called you "gay." You should not have to feel any pressure to identify your sexual preferences - at this young age - or at any age for that matter. All that matters is that you respect and accept yourself as you are.
Having OCD can make these issues much worse, since you may have a much greater tendency to worry and ruminate about your fears and questions about yourself. Learn to question your thoughts, and learn to trust your feelings and your intuition. They are not the same thing. There are no wrong thoughts, nor are their wrong feelings. Thoughts and feelings just "are." Learn to accept all parts of yourself without judgment and you will learn to be happy.
Ben Schwarcz, MFT
Santa Rosa Psychotherapist
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