Gay and married

by Chris
(Maryland)

I have been married for 33 years. About 10 years or so ago I realized or acknowledged that I was physically attracted to men. My wife suspects but we don't talk about it. I am constantly torn between "liking" my life except for the sexual mismatch, and wanting to be with a man physically. Yet whenever I do the latter, it is only a temporary fix. Can you point me in the right direction? Thanks.

Ben's Answer:

33 years is a very long time to be married and it says a lot about you and your commitment. Gay or not, many people come to the point of feeling that they are a "sexual mismatch" with their chosen life partner, and yet go on with the relationship, feeling love and respect for their partner and sharing a life together. The temporary fix you experience when you are with a man is probably just the same as anyone would feel if they had casual sexual encounters outside their marriage. The fact that it is with men is besides the point. If your relationship has no sexual intimacy and no possibility of that, then you have to make a choice: 1. either learn to be happy living a life without sex, but having an otherwise stable and happy life; 2. Continue to cheat on your wife for temporary sexual gratification (not likely to make you happy, and very likely to cause you and your wife a lot of pain eventually); 3. Leave your wife and go in search of a more compatible partner that you can have a satisfying intimate relationship with on all levels.

Envision each scenario, and be true to your feelings. What vision brings you the most peace and joy?

Best wishes,
Ben Schwarcz, MFT
Santa Rosa Psychotherapist

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