Confused. Really, Really, Confused.

Hey. So,
I dont know if anyone is actually reading this but I do hope someone is so i can get some help :/
Im fifteen. In first grade this boy who was my same age would lock me in his room and...stick things inside me and yell at me and stuff. I just was too scared to say no. He made me promise not to tell anybody. But he didn't make me. I was too scared so I promised. See the thing is, he didn't force anything on me. I just didn't want it but he thought I did. I would just cry inside each time it was happening and he wouldnt know. This went on for 4 years almost every week and them again when I was 13.

I guess i am just wondering, why does it bother me so much? When I was little, I was diagnosed with bipolar. I think it was just me expressing the anger I had and the need for control that i longed for so badly. I wouldn't make eye contact, I screamed and yelled and just couldn't control myself. I just was holding so much in. When it happened again at age thirteen after 3 years of not seeing him, I was so shocked. I flashed back and was totally back in the 5 year old body that it all started at. I started cutting myself and failing school and it kept me up all night for the past 2 years. Since then I have been put on lots of meds and still cant tell anybody because
I dont know what i would say. There is no reason it should bother me soo much! He didnt know. It was my fault. And its not like he was some adult that I trusted. But yet I still have all the effects of an abused child and it makes me feel so stupid. I am ashamed of the sadness and that is why i cant seem to be able to tell my therapist because i like her so much. :(

I know it could be a lot worse...i just want to know why its caused me so much pain. Was it just normal child's play? Am I just convincing myself that i didn't want it? Maybe im just so angry that my parents or any one never figured it out. What i do know is that i was holding to much in, i was disappointed in myself and my parents and as a little kid couldnt express myself because of it.

What do I say to a therapist? I'm so ashamed. Why does it bother me? Why aren't I over it? What do I do? Also, kisssing boys, I sometimes flashback. ITS SO STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks :)
Serena

Ben's Answer:

This was NOT your fault! It does not matter that he was the same age as you. It started when you were only 5. You were scared to say no. End of story. He victimized you. He acted out his own abuse on you (that he undoubtedly experienced from someone else), and you were afraid to refuse. It became a routine behavior between you. This is the case with many, many child abuse situations. He coerced you. Once a child (or even an adult) is violated, then each time it happens again it is as if you become brainwashed; you start to lose yourself. You lose your will power. You lose you instinctive impulse to protect yourself. You also start to feel guilty and ashamed, but you still don't have the ability to stop it. I've seen adults in the same abuse patterns. How could a 5 year old have the courage to stop this?

And of course you were full of rage. It's a shame nobody was able to figure out the reason behind it when you were little. It's not too late to heal this. If you trust and like your therapist - please tell her. She will understand. Do you know that more than one out of every six women will be sexually assaulted in some way during their lifetime? Probably more, since 60% of cases are never even reported (because people are often scared and ashamed of what happened).

What happened to you was a traumatic - it is not stupid for you to have feelings about it after all this time. People with unresolved traumas often experience the symptoms (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) for the rest of their lives - but they don't have to. You can resolve this with the right help. Having flashbacks and emotional triggers is part of the experience of trauma. There are many effective ways to work with this in therapy. Even the most severe cases of trauma / PTSD can be resolved in a short amount of time with the right kind of therapy.

Please tell your therapist - and don't blame yourself for what happened. Once you resolve this once and for all you will feel so much better about yourself, and your life!

Take Care,
Ben Schwarcz