Confused and Afraid to Commit

by Fran
(USA)

My boyfriend and I have been together off and on for over 5 years. We broke up about two years ago and I moved to another state but we never really let go of the relationship. He has always said that I am the one for him and maintained that he didnt want to see anyone else. I dated a few men while here and none of them felt right. I love him very much, he is my best friend, but I feel like maybe he is a bit more like it is a best friend feeling. When I tried to leave him before he said he would kill himself, so when I moved to a different state I kinda left things open ended. So recently we have made a lot of trips to see each other and we have decided to move back in together, but i am so nervous. I feel like I need to try one more time to know for sure if it is meant to be or not but I do not know if he will ever see. I do not want to get stuck, but i feel like I have to go. I am so confused. I want to do the right thing by him and I do not want to hurt him, I hope that things will work out between us but I feel like if they dont then at least I will be free. But what about him? What if I move back in with him and I feel it isnt meant to be but he still does and I leave and he does something to hurt himself? I am sorry this is all jumbled up, I am so anxious I am moving in 9 days and I feel like i am having a heart attack! I know this sounds like I do not love him and he is a bad guy, he is not and I do we are just very different and I just hope we can work together.. thank you so much.

Ben's Answer:

The threat of suicide is never a good reason to stay in a relationship. And a life long commitment
that is based on feeling bound by guilt and fear because your boyfriend says he'll kill himself if you leave - is really just another tragedy.

When a person makes a threat of suicide to control or posses another person, it is a cruel and unfair
manipulation... even if in his mind he's just being honest, and he's not trying to hurt you. It's just plain selfish.

If you've had a 5 year relationship, and he's your best friend, that means something. A best friend doesn't say, "I'm going to kill myself if you move away from me." It's basically saying that your feelings and your freedom and free will don't matter as much as his feelings -- and it's forcing you to either sacrifice your own freedom to try to make him happy, or condemning you to a life of trauma and guilt if you leave and he kills himself. This is just plain wrong. No healthy relationship can be based on this type of disrespect and poor boundaries.

If you are feeling nervous about moving back in with him in 9 days, and you're feeling like you're having a heart attack... that's your intuition telling you you're not ready. Trust those feelings. Feelings of love, peace, joy, excitement, hope... those are telling you YES. Feeling like your having a heart attack, anxious, worried and stressed, and losing your freedom... That's your inner self screaming NO!

Hard as it may be to see it, what is best for you, must be best for everyone else. If you trust your intuition to guide you, it is always in harmony with everyone else. That doesn't mean it will please everyone. It might upset someone - but ultimately it will be what is best for them. What is best for your own personal evolution in life, is also for the best of everyone else involved in your life, even if it means that you part ways.

I'm not telling you what to do in this situation. Your feelings might change tomorrow. But trust your feelings as they come and don't over-analyze the situation.

When in doubt, seek Peace.

Take Care,
Ben Schwarcz, MFT
Santa Rosa Psychotherapist

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