Break-Up Advice

by Sam
(UK)

I have a 14 month old son with my ex-partner. I split with him 2 years ago after having been with him 3 years, as he was violent and aggressive. One year ago, he seemed to have gotten better, he was no longer violent, so i decided to give the relationship another go for the sake of my son. About 3 months ago I split with him finally. He was still a layabout, lazy, didn't respect me and many other things.

I am finding that he is trying everything he can to get some kind of reaction out of me when he comes to see my son. I don't know how to handle this.

I would really just like us to be friends for the sake of our son. He agrees to it initially, but ends up putting a spanner in the works at some point to ruin it.

Also I am struggling with being lonely and I don't know how to deal with this at the moment either. All I do know is that I don't want to end up going back to him just because I'm lonely.

Hope you can help.

Sam

Ben's Answer:

Sam, if you are still tempted to get back together with this guy, after he's been violent and aggressive, and disrespected and mistreated you repeatedly - then you really need to take look at your feelings of self-worth.

Of all the decent, caring, kind-hearted men that there are in this world (yes, there really are, even if you haven't found them yet), why choose someone that is abusive towards you? Nobody deserves to be treated that way.

Not to mention subjecting your innocent child to an environment of violence and disrespect. Children see, and feel, all of what we do. The ways you are mistreated by your ex-boyfriend will have a very real influence on your son's development, and feelings of safety, security, self-worth and so-on, for years to come.

You deserve so much more. Loneliness is part of being human. It is the longing for love. Stronger than the need for food, clothing, or shelter. There's nothing wrong with having this longing. Start visualizing your life as you wish it to be - with a man that treats you with love, kindness and respect - and let yourself imagine that feeling as often as you possibly can. That's the only way to attract a different kind of guy.

If you think this is impossible, then it will be impossible. Never lose hope, for hope is what turns dreams into reality. You don't need to settle. We can all have what we really want if we believe it's possible.