Boyfriend Can't Get It Up

by Cindy
(Oxford, Michigan, USA)

I have been dating a guy for 5 months, we have never had intercourse because he cant seem to get it up or when he does it goes flat fast. I have asked him several times if he is sexually attracted to me and he will not answer me. He said that he is attracted to my personality. I asked if he has had this problem before and he said no. He also smokes a lot of pot and I am wondering if this is the reason for it. I feel horrible, disgusted with myself and can see myself slipping into a depression.

Ben's Answer:

Cindy - it's a mistake to blame yourself for his problem. If he's been with you for 5 months, he obviously wants to be with you. Pot, usually does not have this effect on men (more often it does the opposite). But there are many other psychological reasons for erectile dysfunction. Most men are very embarrassed when this happens, feel ashamed and week, and may try to make excuses, or even blame their partner for the problem. Most often it comes down to a question of performance anxiety, or just stress and anxiety in general. Fear of intimacy is another common reason for this.

If he has this problem, AND smokes a lot of pot, he may just be self-medicating his anxiety by smoking, and simply avoiding his feelings even more, which just make the problem continue.

Lots of men experience this at some point in their lives, and it usually doesn't last.

It sounds like the two of you need to have a lot more honest communication about your feelings and the relationship to figure this out without either of you feelings bad about yourselves or placing blame. Having good, playful, physical intimacy without expectation of intercourse can be another good way to work on the impotence issue.

Couples therapy could be another helpful option.