I have quite alot of symptoms and I would like some help or something please; mood fluctuation - severe depression suicide plans/attempts/,self harm, anxiety, 'hypo manic/manic' type episodes(hysterical laughing, excessive loud, rapid speech, singing dancing shouting, (manic/hypomanic lasts for hours or even minutes not days ) severe depersonalisation , feeling out of my body (out of body experiences) and derealisation environment looking fake plastic, not recognising family, feeling spaced out ,feeling split from myself, not recognising family all the time, zoning out, feeling 'out of it', racing thoughts, head feeling 'loud' - weird beliefs, paranoia, thinking another one of me could walk into the room, voices in my head, head feeling blocked and jumbled and 'empty' sometimes, wanting to kill others at times, feeling 'possessed' and writing notes in my own blood. feeling out to get myself, feeling faint and light headed, ocd, feeling my arms and legs are not attached, terrifed ive got something seriously wrong with me, even though i had an mri scan months ago im feeling seriously depersonalised, like im typing but I feel so out of myself and detached it doesn't feel like me talking, my voice sometimes sounds weird, don't recognise my reflection and that it might get me and climb out of the mirror. Im scared another one of me could turn up and walk into the room, im seriously frightened and suicidal. I feel blocked from the environment and like i dont fit with people anymore or humanity, dont even want to wash for some reason or get out of bed, feel despairing I feel there is no help no way out.I often feel like im going to pass out at any second, weird sensations in my head cotton woolish or empty or full of water, not recognising my mum properly and family and everyone looking 'weird' and controlled by some outside force. I am starting to think of another one of everyone, like my uncle, and another one of him but a nasty murderous one could come in. felt my brother was in my body and could taste him, feeling someone over my shoulder. . Feel my brain isn't connected to my body, brain is fragmented, scrambled and filled with bits and pieces of conversations, music and odd noises, sometimes thoughts feel faraway , Paranoid and terrified someone is going to walk down the stairs. So depersonalised I cant take it, worried and feels like someones taking my brain away. Lately I dont feel like I have a filter in what Im saying, and its not even me talking, Im terrified fed up, feel I dont love or care for anyone anymore and feel suicide is the only answer. Im only 16 but I dont know anymore I just cant handle this.
This sounds like a very overwhelming and scary experience. I'm wondering if this began suddenly, if it comes and goes or is more constant, and if any traumatic even preceded the symptoms. Also would want to know if any other family members have history of bipolar disorder, schizophrenia or psychosis. These are all questions that a good therapist would want to explore with you. You should not have to endure this alone. I would suggest you see a Naturopathic Doctor to evaluate any physical or nutritional-deficiency problems first to rule that out. And secondly to establish an ongoing therapy relationship with a good therapist who is more body-oriented (somatic) in their approach. Preferably someone experienced with both bipolar disorder and with trauma or dissociation. You need to explore these issues in a safe and mindful way, with a therapist you can trust. If no resources are available, please at least use a suicide hotline so that you have someone to talk to, or talk to someone in your family that you trust.
These things can get better with the right help.