13 years and hated by her blood.

by Madison
(Indiana)

HI...my name is Madison and i am 13 years old. i have alittle sister and she is 7. as you may be able to see now is that she is at the age where barbies are cool and playing jump-rope on the playground is a big deal ! and i am at the age where it takes me an hour to take a shower and 7th grade drama is a must have ! You have to understand that i love my sister,and i know that my parents and grandparents WILL die someday...and all we will have left is each other. And i respect that, and want to be there for her. Because money is tight, my parents have to work some late hours and i am responsible for getting my sister home from school, helping her with her homework, feeding her dinner, giving her a bath, packing her lunch for the next day,and trying my best to to keep the 7 year old under control. One may think this is easy... but like i said earlier... i am in the 7th grade and come home with a half hour of homework in each subject EVERYDAY ( there are 9 subjects). So try to see it from my point of view,here i am trying to do 50 math equations with my sister jumping all over the place...i have read all over the web - trying to find ways to calm young children, none of them work ! But this is not my issue...my sister just told me that she hates me. and all i could think is think of all the things i do for you ! She told me i dont love her and she would trade me in any day for a new sister... and i kept my cool,and said you are just upset (she was mad because i told she was not to have any ice-cream untill she finished her steak). You dont mean what you are saying. then she hit me and said that she always has hated me and that i am the worst and she could care less if i lived or died! i asked what i did wrong and she told me that i dont spend enough time with her !!!! Can you PLEASE try to tell me what she means by this ...because i DO love her. and i NEED her to love me back.

-Madison.

Ben's Answer:
Madison, I have a 7 year old daughter, and taking care of her is the most challenging things in my life. And I'm a grown man. And a therapist no less!

You're only 13. Your parents have put you in an extremely difficult situation, to have to basically be the single parent to your angry little sister. Always remember this: If she takes her anger out on you, says she hates you, wishes you would die, etc. - it's not true. She has to take her anger out on someone, and mom and dad aren't there - so that someone is YOU. It's not that you should act like a cold stone and not feel hurt when she hurls insults at you. She should see that it is hurtful to you. But inside, try to remind yourself that she's not angry at you. She's feeling alone and bitter. She probably wants a big sister who can play with her, and be her buddy and stand up for her when her parents are being too strict with her, and a sister who makes up stories with her and has secrets with her. Instead she has a sister who takes away her ice cream and makes her do her homework. This situation is sad for both of you.

Maybe you can find a time when she's in a good mood (maybe while eating ice cream), and have a real heart to heart talk about the impossible situation you and she are in. And how you wish you could be a different kind of sister to her, that didn't have to be a parent. And maybe you can bend the rules a little here and there, and find a way to sometimes have some fun together. If you don't, then I'm afraid you're relationship with her could continue to deteriorate.

Last, if at all possible, it would sure be good if you could discuss all this with your parents (maybe just you and them, at first). If they expect you to be a 3rd parent, then they should respect and trust you enough to listen seriously to your concerns.

Don't lose hope. You can play more than one role with your sister. You don't have to play the full time parent.

Take Care,
Ben Schwarcz, MFT
Santa Rosa Psychotherapist

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Apr 30, 2011
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can't get over the past.
by: Audria

well, when i was about 7 yrs old my brother started to do bad things to me like molest and rape me. he didn't stop until i was 14 yrs old, since then my body has had that stupid sexual feeling. I am a Mormon. sometimes i get the urge of masturbating but i dont like it i have done it b4 but when i stop i feel dirty and guilty about it and my past. is it my fault i have these feelings? or is it of what happened in the past causes these stupid feelings? i feel ashamed a lot, guilty, i just hurt so bad i take the bad things out on me like masturbating and cutting i just want to hurt myself more so i can stop feeling that pain.=/ do u have any advice? am i making sense?

Ben's Response:

Masturbation is a natural, normal, sexual behavior. The reason you feel dirty and guilty afterwards is because of the trauma and shame you still feel because of what your brother did to you. I am so sorry that that happened to you. It is so wrong, and so hurtful. It is NOT your fault. No child asks to be abused. Your first sexual contact should have come later in life, but because it happened so early, and is such an abusive way, it caused feelings of shame and guilt. Just about all sexual abuse survivors I've ever met (and I've known many), feel these same feelings and have a hard time reclaiming their sexuality and allowing themselves to experience sexual feelings without guilt or fear. It is possible to heal this trauma, but it takes work and commitment to yourself. Psychotherapy and EFT are extremely helpful. Don't let any adult ever tell you that you are wrong, dirty, sinful or any other shaming belief about what happened to you. No child deserves this.

Your body belongs to you, and you are allowed to feel whatever you want.

Take Care, and Don't Lose Hope.

Ben Schwarcz
Santa Rosa Psychotherapist



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